What's harder: beginning again or staying stuck?

I have been absolutely stuck for the last...while... When I mean stuck, I mean stuck. In everything. My career, my schooling, my role in the community, my roles in my family, my motivation...my life! I have let a lot of things fall by the wayside, and in true ADHD fashion, said, "I'll do it tomorrow." But tomorrow never comes. It just rolls into the day, week, month, and year. Then it all becomes overwhelming and I never want to touch it again.

I can't do that with EVERYTHING though. I really can't even though there are times I feel like I will never be able to do another thing and dark thoughts get even darker. Yes, those of us called to "healing" fields can and often struggle with it too. In fact, a good majority of us end up in this course of work because we know exactly what deep dark things people go through and can relate more than most.

I am making my way back, little by little, to doing those things that I have let slip. I am trying to center my attention again to the things that I needed and wanted to prioritize. It's not easy. I broke it down into the simplest steps to make attemptable. You know, the whole, "How do you eat an elephant?" It can only be done one bite at time. And that's how I am approaching this comeback. It's the only way I can without getting overwhelmed, freaking out, and shut down. It's okay to do it this way. Making progress is my goal, but my mental and emotional health is the priority. Being an autistic/ADHD person, means I have to know my disabilities and "play within them"; just as we should know our gambling limits and play within them. Because guess what?! It is a gamble. Life is! I don't know if doing a certain task will wear me out. I don't know if I am going to waste effort. I just need to be aware. But that doesn't mean I have to not move at all.

I get caught up in that. There are times I don't move. I have lots of reasons. Some valid, most not. That's what I want to break out of. Because as hard and scary as things are if I make the moves to progress, being stuck in the same place, getting nowhere is worse. It's a form a dying. I'm not moving. I'm not changing. I'm growing. I'm not really living...just merely existing. It's in those spaces that I meet some pretty dark thoughts.

So, here I am, eating that elephant little by little so I remain energized and motivated to the next thing. I will remember to give myself grace and remind myself that, no...there's nothing on my plate, that if it doesn't get done, will cause irreparable damage, but I will feel so much more myself if I actually do somethings AT A GOOD PACE and I won't be overwhelmed later. Again, I'm not perfect. And the state of "overwhelm" is often too familiar of a place to me so it's easy to get there. But I have to try. I HAVE TO TRY.